I'm Fine.

I find myself saying those words a lot lately. Sometimes they are true. Sometimes not so much. But I'll keep on saying it anyways. I put a smile on my face and keep driving on day after day. I do it for a lot of reasons. I do it so my husband, who is going through far worse things than I do on a daily basis, knows that I am strong and capable of handling things here on the home front while he's gone. I do it so that those that are going through this too know that they can count on me. That I am here for them and I can help them with their problems too. I do it for my kids. So that they see me doing well and being strong through all this and know that they can come to me, but also so that they know I can handle this.

But whether me saying it is true or not on any given day isn't really my point. My point is that sometimes I need help too. I have people I can turn to and yes, sometimes I do. But what REALLY gets to me is when I TRY to turn to someone and mention that I am having a hard time or that I need help and they tell me I don't! Especially when that person has no clue how I am doing or what I am going through. Just because I don't break down on a daily or even weekly basis doesn't mean that this entire thing is not affecting my daily life. Just because you don't see my struggles or my hardships doesn't mean they aren't there. All it means is that you aren't compassionate and that I learned very quickly not to ever come to you again. You are one of those people that I ALWAYS have to put on my happy face for and always have to say I'm fine. That I'm doing really well and this deployment isn't bothering me. Because if I do come to you, you are just going to make me feel weak, and like I don't have the right to say I need help.

But you are wrong. Everyone has the right to ask for help from those that they are close to when they are having a hard time. Even when they aren't completely losing it or falling apart. Especially when they aren't completely falling apart, because asking for that help, that support, and actually receiving it might be the only thing that keeps them together. And being there for one another is exactly what friends and family are for. You shouldn't compare my hardships to yours or anyone else's because ya know what? You have NEVER had to go through what I do, and neither have they. And even if they did, we all handle things differently. And that's okay.

So whether I'm "fine" or not, I need to know people are there for me. That they are going to be there to help me up when I fall. Just like those people should know that I am there for them. I guess this really just brings me back to the entire thing about being shocked by those that have been there for me and those that weren't. It amazes me that when I do say I'm having a hard time, the people that reach out to help me and to lift me up, and realize I CAN do this. And those that just ignore it or shoot me down and say I don't need help. I would only need help if I was falling apart and calling them daily in tears. That's just not me. That never has been and never will be. There are 2 people in this world that I turn to no matter what time of day it is or no matter how petty the problem seems to be. And one of those is thousands of miles away, and needs to know he can count on me. The other, I have leaned on for anything and everything my entire life and I will continue to do so. She is the ONLY person throughout this deployment who will always really know how I'm doing and what I'm feeling and thinking. She is the one person that I KNOW I can count on no matter what over this next year or 2. And I thank God I have her EVERY day. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

But I've gotten a little off track with this. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you have a friend or even just an acquaintance that you know is having a hard time, reach out to them. Even if they say they are "fine". You never know how much it will mean to them and how much it will help them with their struggles.